I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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