Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
