Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
