I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
