I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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