New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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