hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
