i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
