im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my sisters under your porch take her home
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
