you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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