Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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