I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
