Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
4 words: hood of his car
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
