mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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