You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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