Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The adults are the big ones right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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