just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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