you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
