took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
