I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Even my vagina gasped.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize