You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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