The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize