proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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