can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
