so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
