he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
