grandma shit on top of the toilet
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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