he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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