I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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