Where did you get a picture of my penis
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
