Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
