Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
