i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
