Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize