I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
