New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
