WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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