i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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