Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
