Apparently you make a good broom.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
