I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
