Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
