Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
