Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
