omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
