That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
