i just wanna soil my oats bro
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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