I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i drank out of a bidet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have fence marks all over my body
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
