guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
