I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
