I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
