We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
