What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize