well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
