I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
