I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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