He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
