where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
