Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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