I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize