This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
