I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
