is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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