You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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