Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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