she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
