I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
