If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
