I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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