sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize