i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
