im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
