mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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